Kinky
by alice and edward cullen
Summary: He took one look at its red eyes and snow-white fur and screamed like a girl, “Oh My God! It’s a vampire!” he screeched, “Alice, is that even allowed?” he asked in a hushed tone, staring intentionally at their surroundings.' REVIEW!
1. Napkins

**DISCLAIMER:** bows down to Stephenie Meyer We dont own any of the twilight characters, and if we did we wouldnt share anyway! (and that _dog_ would be dead)

But the old lady IS OURS!! she even walks, well hobbles, around, with a tatoo of "© alice and edward cullen" printed all over her. SO DONT STEAL HER! growls protectivly

**- Bella POV** -

"Do you prefer napkin A, or napkin B?"

I rolled my eyes. Really, why did Alice think that it was necessary to waste money on overpriced napkins? It's not like _they_ need them anyway, I sighed as I thought to myself. I was still a little annoyed that Alice had won and dragged Edward and I to the most frivolous shop in Seattle, _'Weddings for Eternity_,' I laughed at the symbolic meaning.

As soon as we had entered the shop Alice had quickly shooed the manager away, who had looked at my glum face and left all too happily, and had assumed the role of shop assistant herself.

"Do you prefer napkin A, or napkin B?" she repeated, though this time a little more impatient She couldn't wait to move on to the napkin rings.

"Alice, be serious. They're exactly the same!"

"No, no, no, no! Can you not see the subtle differences in the trimming?"

I looked closer. And, as Alice had said, the colour slightly varied. Only _slightly_.

I sighed, "Alice, it honestly doesn't make any difference to me." The wedding was insignificant compared to what was to come. Besides, I couldn't see how a napkin could make any difference to what would be pure torture anyway.

"This could make or break the wedding! You don't want the guests to think that you – or _I_ – have horrible taste, do you?" she questioned in horror.

I groaned and rolled my eyes for her benefit.

"Gosh, Alice. Talk about over the top! Maybe we should have gone to Las Vegas," I joked.

Alice turned to me with pleading eyes: "I can't remember this human experience. Please, Bella, for me?" Her eyes widened. That puppy dog look could melt anyone's heart.

"Impossible! You're just as bad a monster as _Edward_." I huffed, "Fine, napkin A."

Alice picked up napkin B, a wide smile playing on her face. "Are you sure? Are you _really_ sure?"

Edward stared pointedly out the window. Only Alice could care _that _much about a napkin.

"Fine," I replied, "Napkin B."

Alice looked over both napkins critically. "Actually, maybe napkin A _is_ the better choice" she murmured. "Hmmm..."

She paused, the napkin slipping through her fingers, her eyes far away from the present. Shock momentarily swept over Alice's pixie-like face.

"Are you now positively sure that the napkins are perfect, or will the guests run out screaming for the fashion police because the trimming isn't _exactly_ the right gold?" I questioned sarcastically.

A wicked smile spread across her face. Edwards head snapped around to Alice, his black eyes hardening. He _really _should leave me alone to hunt more often.

Alice opened her mouth to say something.

"Keep your thoughts to yourself," he interrupted heatedly. A smirk flashed across his face as his eyes met mine and then he gained composure again as he turned back towards Alice. I could once again feel the frustration growing as they had one of their silent conversations.

I looked around confused, turning from Alice to Edward and then back again. Alice's face was alight with amusement, while Edwards face glowered. Once again, I found my self thinking, _if looks could kill_, because I was certainly sure that Edwards could.

A low growl emitted from his chest as Alice danced around the shop. Edwards fist clenched and unclenched as he watched Alice, who occasionally threw taunting smiles at him, as she enthusiastically collected the next lot of samples to show us.

He looked magnificent as his eyes drilled holes in the back of her head; I had never seen him so worked up before. I decided that I needed to break the silence before Edward really did kill.

"Why so much fuss over napkins?" I asked innocently.

An impish grin spread over her face, as she quickly glanced over to Edwards hard expression and then back to mine, "Napkin's, _indeed_!" she said wryly.

"Edwards just a_ little_ over sensitive to the fact that I saw you two –"

"– You're really getting a kick out of this Alice," he cut in defensively.

"Kick out of it? I'm definitely scarred for life!" She retorted, fighting back the urge to laugh.

Another low growl made his chest rumble, "I heard the midget convention is in town, why don't you go join them?" He snapped back.

I guess he was trying to distract Alice from her vision, but Edward wasn't getting away that easily. My patience had finally come to an end.

Apparently, Alice was thinking along those same lines too and wasn't going to let it go.

"I would think that after living in a house with three sexually active couples, for like the past century, that you would have picked up a few tips by now!" she laughed cruelly.

Suddenly everything clicked. The vision, Edward's reaction, and Alice's teasing. I felt the blood rushing to my cheeks as they turned a bright crimson.

Edward lurched himself at Alice, lips pulled back, teeth bared. They moved in a blur, Alice standing still as a statue, then suddenly, so fast that I couldn't see, slightly feinting to the side at the last moment, leaving Edward soaring through the air.

They both paused, cautiously, as they took in the shop surroundings.

"Temper, temper Edward" Alice smirked clicking her tongue.She then turned to face me, and I only blushed more furiously, "Don't judge him _too_ harshly, Bella. It will only be his first time," her impish smile widening as she said it.

She reached up on tiptoes to ruffle Edward's hair: "Ooo I can't believe our little Eddie is growing up so fast!"

Edward growled, "Alice I'm warning you. I won't be so tolerant next time."

She shrugged and smiled sweetly. "I'm going shopping."

* * *

_**WARNING:**_ _if you do not review this chapter, a giant catipilar with a curly moustache will come and draw a lightning bolt scar upon your forehead while you sleep._

_Then SHE-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, the distant relative or He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, will hunt you down and eat you with peanut butter and jelly._

_-insert evil laughter here- _

_so i would be pressing that purple button down there if i were you._


	2. Catfood

**- Alice POV - **

I patted my yellow Porsche lovingly as I laughed to myself. Edward was such an easy target. I can't believe he went off his head at something so little as visual aid. It's not like it's the first time he's seen that sort of stuff before. Geez, for a hundred and ten year old, he sure can over react. Gosh he puts the forty year old virgin to shame. Hmmm… come to think of Edward, he can probably hear me right now:

_Edward Anthony Mason Cullen_, I thought loudly to Edward. Don't even try to block me out because secretly you know that you _want_ to hear the exceptionally valuable and indispensable things that I had to say before you so rudely tried to bite my head off. Literally. After all, I_ am_ your favourite sister, so therefore I feel obliged to point you in the right direction at the very least. Or, let me put it this way: would you rather it was Jasper and I or _Emmett and Rosalie_? Because, you know that can easily be arranged. An evil laugh escaped me.

I got hit with a mental image of Emmett chasing Edward around, screaming out the benefits of heating gel, with a shot by shot replay of last week's _activity_ with the piano. I shuddered. Gosh, I would have hated to clean that piano.

See Edward, at least Jasper and I would at least _try_ to keep it down to MA. I mean, I could always have a friendly girl–to–girl chat with Bella about male _vampire _anatomy. In fact, I think I will. It's about time that Bella was well informed.

From the car park I heard Edward roar. I laughed as I revved my Porsche. My speedometer increased quickly before he could catch me.

I was speeding down the highway, contemplating which shop was the most suitable for what I needed, or what _Bella_ needed in this case. Victoria's Secret, I decided probably had the most seductive range. Although, how Edward's arousal could be heightened any _further_, I did not know. I almost feel sorry for Jasper.

I quickly overtook a car that was only doing 120 km/hGar! Humans are so slow.

Suddenly, I had an unannounced vision of the Walmart car park.

_A bulky figure cloaked under a hooded tan trench coat leapt out of a moving taxi. As they swivelled around, I caught a glimpse of a blood red stiletto. Something about the way they walked was _defiantly_ familiar, although I could not quite put my finger on it. They walked unsteadily, as if they had no previous experience in wearing heels, towards the entrance, eventually losing balance completely. I heard an extremely _colourful_ array of vocabulary that could only come from one person I knew – Emmett. _

Now this was an opportunity I could not miss. Without checking for cars, I was so much faster than the _average_ driver, I did a U-turn over double lines and headed at a mere 200 km/h to Walmart.

My yellow Porsche was as conspicuous amongst the other parked cars as Edward and his sexual experience, or should I say _lack of_ sexual experience, compared to the rest of the family. I danced inside and grabbed the nearest trolley. Shopping was a fun way to kill some time as Emmett wouldn't arrive for approximately twenty minutes. Hmm... What should my theme for today be? _A for Alice_. Oh yay! I'm so excited. I grinned to myself, this is going to be fantastic.

Across from me at the entrance to aisle one, a page of colourful antelope stickers caught my attention and I skipped toward them. Yum yum! Antelopes are one of my favourite animals to hunt, particularly the gazelle.

Further along the aisle I found an aqua aerobics DVD. Excellent, I'll memorise the moves and teach the whole family. It will be so much fun! Of course they will be resistant, but with a little persistence – and black mail – I _know_ they will all eventually decide to cooperate. A giggle escaped as I pictured all of their expressions. Sometimes, even _I_ questioned my sanity.

I approached the music section and I picked up an ACDC album, which Emmett would surely enjoy, and a little further down I added an acoustic guitar to my shopping trolley. I couldn't wait to persuade Jazz to learn how to play, his hands are so _talented_.

Round the corner was the food section. I crinkled my nose and ploughed on. Apples, avocadoes, apple cider, aeroplane jelly, Allen's lollies (animals of course), Asian curry, anchovies, abalone fish and finally alphabet soup all found a new home in my trolley.

Onto the cleaning product section. Which reminds me, we are running low on All Purpose Cleaning Agent after Edward poured the whole bottle on his piano in an attempt to cleanse Emmett and Rosalie's _sins_.

I selected from the next aisle an acupuncture set and aromatherapy bath salts. Further down I found allergy tablets which I added to my almost full trolley without hesitation.

I turned around and scanned the opposite shelf holding various personal items. My eyes rested on a box of aqua glow in the dark condoms. I grinned to myself. Although my Jazzy Bear and I had no need for them, it was always fun to experiment with something new.

I stopped by the pet section where the most adorable albino rabbit caught my attention. Hmmm, names. I muttered to myself: Apple, Anthea, Anastasia. No, none of those names fitted. _Astrid_!

I readily carried my sweet darling to my trolley in an apricot coloured cage and moved to the next section. If anyone, in particular Emmett, dare's to lay a tooth on him they will face the wrath of Alice, I thought to myself.

As I wondered through the toy section I occasionally threw things into the trolley. I danced up to a wall stacked with figurines of every monster imaginable and found several brightly coloured monsters, all starting with the letter A, of course. Eric Yorkie walked gingerly up to the wall, grabbed two of the monsters and started scrutinising which one he should purchase. As he put the one in his left hand back on the shelf I got hit with another vision.

_Eric was in his room – spending some _quality_ time with himself. He stared intently at Emmett's school photo from two years previously. In his other hand was the monster, which he had just decided to purchase. I tried desperately to block out the disturbingly graphic images that were flashing across my mind._

When I resurfaced, I saw Eric still standing there. Horror and shock swept over my face. I shook my head, scarred deeply from the vision I just had. Poor Emmett, I thought to myself, that was just _disgusting_. I swiftly returned all of the figurines from my trolley to the shelf. Except for one, it was just_ too_ cute.

"Hey sexy," said a voice I knew all too well. I twirled around, "Jasper?" I questioned. I surveyed the aisle, but my Jazz was not there. An old lady in fluffy slippers looked at me strangely, shaking her head.

I followed the sound of his mesmerising laughter. Passing the gardening section, I saw an axe. Oh, that starts in the letter A! I grabbed it in haste and continued in my hunt to find my only love.

As I rounded the corner I heard Emmett squeal in a high pitch. I opened my handbag and swiftly rummaged for my trusty video camera.

Clearing a space on the shelf to place my camera, I discreetly hit the ON and RECORD button. My family deserved to see every second!

I attempted to suppress my laughter so as not to give away my hiding spot.

He wore strappy, red stilettos borrowed from an unknowing Rosalie. His, or should I say _her_, muscular and chunky legs had been mercilessly forced into fishnet stockings that looked as if they were straining to hold together. A tight miniskirt barely covered what definitely _needed_ to be covered. He went all out in his, err, _disguise_, wearing extremely large fake boobs that were squished into a bulging sequined silver tank-top. Honey blonde ringlets flowed down his back, clearly inspired by Rosalie's hair. I felt my mouth drop when I looked up at his face. The makeup was frightening, covered in glue from attempting to attach fake eyelashes. When he gets home, we will need to have a _serious_ chat about makeup. Maybe I should enrol him into the 'MKC Makeup Academy' in Hollywood, he needs to learn one day. His turquoise eye shadow, actually _my_ turquoise eye shadow to be exact, was applied in a fashion that rivalled the transvestites. I shuddered as I stared at Emmett's startlingly red lipstick, lost for words.

"Oh you startled me, you big hunk-of-spunk!" Emmett reached down to pick up his lipstick, which must have dropped to the floor in his fright at being caught by Jasper. As he bent over, I got an eyeful of his skimpy G string. My silent laughter was reaching towards hyperventilation.

"Now that is _not_ a sight I wanted to see," Jasper laughed while spanking Emmett playfully. There is definitely potential for when I edit the film, repeating the spanking over and over again. Yes, my family will be in stitches from laughter.

He spun around, squirting pepper spray in the air, "I'm armed you three-toed cat harassing whore who slobbers on the scaly blockhead and the inbred Dinosaur named Barney!"

Jasper chuckled, "Keep your pants on!" His expression turned mocking, "I thought we had something special, _Emmetta_. Can't you feel it?"

"Special? You used me for a one night stand you… you…" he stuttered. "Well, your momma is so fat, that when God said 'Let there be light,' he asked her to move!"

Jasper raised his eyebrow, "She _is_ your mother to."

The same old grandma I met earlier was onlooking the scene. She coughed loudly "Inbreeds!"

Emmett turned to her and pointed, "You, old person… Go shag a kangaroo you arse munching cock face!"

I laughed at the irony because Emmett was _definitely _far older than her.

He faced Jasper again "And you! You lift your leg on trees, you cursed cross-dressing –"

"– Look who's talking, " Jasper murmured.

Emmett ignored his comment, "Homicidal clown who is jealous of the cat litter munching phlegm and the airheaded genital wart!" he exclaimed.

"Oh My God you're such a slut. The world's _most _promiscuous slut," Jasper retorted.

"It's not _my_ fault you can barely last. You're not even the one-minute-wonder. What else was I meant to do – remain unhappy with my sex life?" Emmett questioned.

"Well, at least _I_ can get it up," Jasper snapped back, apparently offended by what Emmett had said.

My vampire ears easily heard Emmett mutter to himself, "You arse-licking Fudge-Packer."

Before Jasper could respond, he bitch slapped him hard across the face: "Bow down before me you scaly cheating weasel who clobbers the vile yeast infection and the snooty cheeseball!"

Jasper rubbed his face, "Now that's no way for a lady to behave. If I didn't know you any better I wouldn't think you _were_ a woman."

Emmett gasped in exaggerated fake horror: "Are you accusing me of being a man? A man whore maybe, but a _man_? I am most certainly _not_!" He glared at Jasper with mock outrage, "I'm far too hot to be of male descent!" Emmett flicked his hair and battered his fake eyelashes.

"Pffftt in your dreams," Jasper scoffed.

"For your information, I'm so hot I fear I will spontaneously combust any moment now," Emmett put his finger to his leg and made a 'tzzzz' sound. He looked up to Jasper, a wide grin playing on his face, "Mister, tell your pants it's rude to _point_! Now, what would Alice say?"

I felt it was time to reveal my presence, so I left the video camera to record on the shelf. They both slightly shifted, preparing to fight. I broke the deadly silence, "Hmmm, what _would_ Alice say?"

* * *

**_ S_ee that pretty purple button down there? ****press it. ****you know you want to. crazed eyes because we wont be adding chapter three untill we have at least thirteen comments... yes thats right. the fate of this story rests in your hands. so i would be pressing that button right now if i were you. **

**so what are you waiting for? stop reading my mumbojumbo and PRESS IT!**


	3. Infectious

**- Jasper POV** -

My lovely Alice entered the ridiculous scene, which was perfect timing, as per usual. I sighed, I couldn't imagine my life without her. Plus, Emmett was practically dying to wring my neck, I could feel the waves of brotherly hatred rolling off him, and I didn't think I could calm his testosterone levels by myself.

Alice coughed by my side, "I didn't know you were a cross-dresser Emmett."

But he surprised us both, "Geez guys, get over the manliness" and he snapped his fingers in a Z formation, "That was _so_ last season." He then opened his handbag and proceeded in reapplying lipstick with his mirror.

I could feel Alice's fury as she watched his incorrect application of makeup. God, did I just say _incorrect application_? I have been hanging around my wife too much.

I sent waves of calmness to her, she looked up into my eyes and sent me back love. In return, I filled her with all my love, holding her hand tightly.

We were rudely interrupted by Emmett, who was shifting positions, trying to hide his rather large _problem_. I smirked, as the tight skirt didn't have any pockets. He hid the enlargement behind his handbag. I felt his embarrassment at his unwelcomed arousal engulf me.

"Rosalie won't be happy when she sees this part," Alice lowly whispered in my ear. We laughed, trust Alice to bring her camera.

Emmett grinned shiftily to the old lady who was standing nearby, and if he could blush, he'd be as red as Bella. And that's saying something!

But the grandma took Emmett's smile the wrong way, thinking that she influenced the _growth_. I grinned, imagining myself using my talent to make Emmett seem irresistible and arousing to her. Instead, I decided to infuriate her, sending the anger I imagine Rosalie to feel when she sees this video.

"You filthy nutbrain who makes love to yourself and a horrific donkey at the same time as well as a screwy shrivelled wanker who has delusions about being the armpit smelling nipple and the godforsaken horny toad!" she screamed as she bashed Emmett with her handbag with every word.

She continued her ranting, "You defile goats, you bungling teletubbie rubbing misguided evangelist who is a crap eating bastard and an idiotic muscled blockhead!"

There was an awkward pause, broken by Alice's infectious chuckle. "Gosh, that lady's worse than you, Emmett."

He pouted, strong emotions confusing me. I realised that he had been hurt by what my wife said, but thought he must cover up to save his manliness. Manliness, _indeed_. I laughed at the pure irony of the fact that he was dressed as a girl. If vampires could have nightmares, I was sure this old lady would star in Emmett's. I'm glad Alice brought her camera, this is one tape the family will surely keep for _eternity_.

The old lady left, after giving Emmett many dirties and muttering about how children nowadays have no respect and in her day she would never have dreamed of seeing such a sight.

Alice coughed again, it was down to business. She turned to Emmett, looking him critically up and down. One hand clutched her still, unbeating heart. I'm sure she would have cried if she could, "You know, Emmett, if you wanted to dress like this, you could have asked me to do your makeup at the very _least_."

"Yes Emmett, why _are_ you dressed like that?" I questioned. He stared at his red stilettos, "Well…umm…err…well yes, that is a very good question," he mumbled pathetically.

Alice raised an eyebrow, "Is that the very best explanation you have?" She reached behind her and drew out the hidden camera. I heard Emmett's sharp intake of breath, this tape needs to be kept well away from him.

My Alice is a smart one, I surged with pride. She turned to Emmet, the video camera raised in the air. "What would _Rosalie_ think?" He bristled with anger, flexing his muscles, threateningly, an obvious warning. "I think she would be very interested in why you are wearing her imported red _French_ stilettos."

I could feel the fear that swept through Emmet and did nothing to calm him. I chuckled to myself, "No sex for a month – Emmett, I think you're going to self implode."

Even all our blackmailing didn't seem to convince him, he was still hesitant in sharing his secret. "You don't think you can trust us, do you?" I questioned. That was when the first wave of comfort and fuzziness hit him.

He sounded less sure now, it was working. "I just wasn't sure if you were an ally or enemy after the whole… _Porsche incident_." I laughed, that was the wrong line to cross.

"Porsche incident? What Porsche incident?" Alice's face glowered. "Emmett," she growled, "What did you do to my Porsche?"

I felt a strong surge of fury towards Emmett sent from Alice, "You mean, what he did _inside_ the Porsche?" I corrected her.

I had always known my Alice had a bit of a temper. "You… you…" she accused, picking up the axe sitting on top of her shopping trolley. It flashed as she swung the blade, menacingly. Emmett eyed the axe warily, unsure of what to say or do.

The old lady walked down the aisle, but taking one look at Alice's face, turned and hobbled away. No more weird insults today, then.

I had to intervene, before the situation got out of hand, and our secret was exposed. I gently grabbed Alice by the waist and lowered the axe, returning it back to the trolley. I could feel Emmett's eyes following the axe, and then staring at the trolley in awe. "Why Alice, I do believe that everything here starts with the letter – "

He faltered as he stared at Alice's rabbit. Alice's _Albino_ rabbit. He took one look at its red eyes and snow-white fur and screamed like a girl, "Oh My God! It's a _vampire_!" he screeched, "Alice, is that even allowed?" he asked in a hushed tone, staring intentionally at their surroundings.

I laughed. You gotta love Emmett, even if he _does_ like to dress up as a girl in his spare time.

"Stop trying to change the subject, _Emmetta_," Alice spat out, "Or I'll let my vampire bunny loose."

Emmett screamed in horror and jumped into my arms. I amplified his feelings so that he was soon shaking with fear. Alice evilly laughed, "Good going Jazz." I dropped him from my arms and he fell with a thud, his reflexes slowed with the enormity of his fright.

Alice was still angry. "Don't worry," I told her as I tucked a loose piece of hair behind her ear, "Esme caught them."

Emmett groaned as he stood up rubbing his backside.

"Aww is poor little Emmett hurt?" Her eyes glinted, "And the _punishment_?"

"She screamed at us for a good three hours, about respecting other people's property. Then we had to remove the indents and polish everyone's car, even Bella's truck, till they sparkled like vampires in the sun. And yes, she used that exact wording," Emmett answered dully before Alice had time to ask.

Her eyes narrowed, "I hope you suffered" but the feeling of anger was definitely lessening. She turned to me, "So that's why you were so determined to try Rosalie's BMW _and_ Emmett's jeep."

"You WHAT?!" Emmett questioned, clearly outraged. "If Rose ever finds out she will rip you up! And I don't want my sex life to be the one that suffers."

I shrugged, "Well I guess we're even now, anyway. If it makes you feel any better, I give you permission to try my motorbike, although it _is_ a bit uncomfortable."

Emmett smiled sheepishly, "Well, thanks for the offer, Jasper, but we kinda already have." He sighed, looking into the distance, "I've always wanted to do it in Carlisle's car." I murmured agreement.

"Edward's old Volvo was pretty good," Alice suggested. She turned to me smiling, "Remember when he found out?"

I smiled at the memory, "And he bought a new car."

Emmett was shocked, "Oh My God! He _sold_ his car? That's so chat!" He laughed, "Either he is the biggest prude ever or you guys messed it up real bad!" We all laughed in unison.

Then something clicked. They had to polish all my family's cars as _well_ as Bella's truck, "Why Emmett, don't tell me you've done it on Bella's truck? Do you know how embarrassed she will get? Edward would kill you if he found out."

Emmett glared at us, "But he won't find out, _will he_?"

Alice smartly replied, "Only if you tell us why you're here dressed as a prostitute?"

I sent yet another wave of comfort and fuzziness to him. He sighed in defeat, "Okay, fine. I'll tell you, as long as you don't ruin my fun." Emmett motioned towards Alice's video camera, "This thing goes off. No questions."

Alice huffed, "Spoilsport!"

* * *

**If you dont review this chapter, the crazed old lady will come to your house, dressed as a giant marshmellow and steal all of your cheese.**

**and if you have not reviewed chapter two, she will also kidnap your ham.**

**and if you further have not reviewed chapter one, she will upduct your entire bread source.**

**hence disallowing you from having ham and cheese toasties. **

**_-insert evil laughter here-_**

**so i would get reviewing now if i were you.**


	4. NicotineStainedFakeTeeth

**- Emmett POV** -

Alice and Jasper waited impatiently for me to explain my failed disguise. The plan seemed effective, until Alice had recognised me in her vision and Jasper came home early from hunting and followed me all the way here.

Gar! It's impossible to keeps secrets from this family. Edward had better not find out. I mean if he did, all this humiliation would be for nothing.

Jasper interrupted my train of thought, "Come on man," he paused, "I mean _woman_, what are you waiting for?"

I grumbled, it would be easier to defend myself if I wasn't being bombarded with Jasper's emotion controlling abilities. Not that they were much good before, I thought back to my embarrassing _moment_ with that mad old hatter.

Speaking of the devil, she shuffled past pushing her trolley full of cat food, swearing profanities at me under her breath. She stood on her tiptoes, trying to reach the talcum powder. I laughed out loud, it was so funny when short people, in particular Alice, can't reach stuff.

My laugh caught her attention, she turned, glaring. "You, boy! Show your elders some respect and help me out."

Dammit, why was the camera always turned off at the wrong time? "Sure, I'd _love_ to help you out… which way did you come in?"

She began to hit me with her handbag again while Alice and Jasper looked on in hysterics. If they could piss, they'd be pissing by now!

"Young man, I'm going to have a word with your four-eyed nutcase of a father while you go suck on a stick you anatomically incorrect skanky crackpot who gripes about the psychotic skunk! You're a demented illiterate chicken molester!"

"Well shit fire and save matches!" I spat in her face, "I don't give a rat's tail you bone crunching hag you!"

At that, she stormed off, leaving me screaming insults I'd gathered for the past century.

Jasper grabbed my wrist, but I wasn't letting that old ecstasy loving hobo get away. She was going down. And fast!

Finally Jasper managed to calm me down enough to prevent me from wringing her scrawny neck.

He turned to Alice, "Did you get all that?"

She smiled sweetly, "Did you even have to ask?"

I laughed, but found myself suddenly pinned to the shelf. Alice had reached her limit! "Now, enough distractions," she growled, "Tell me what is going on!"

The amount of time she spent hanging out with Edward was becoming apparent as she lost her temper yet _again_.

The old lady stuck her head through the shelf: "You go get him, girl! Give him all he deserves!" At that she quickly hobbled away.

Before I could grip her measly wrist, Jasper brought my emotions back under control.

I looked at Alice's impatient face, "Well," I huffed, "I thought that since Edward wanted a _special _wedding, we would have a _special_ Buck's night," I exclaimed, like a little child.

Alice's brow puckered: "Buck's night?"

I answered with a wide grin, "Oh yes, it's the latest thing." I flicked my hair.

Jasper smiled appreciatively, "Nice one, bro!"

"How come I couldn't see?" she whined.

My grin widened. "Quill and I have become pretty tight since the whole Newborn thing. So naturally, he's invited."

"Emmett, did you come up with the plan all by your little self?" Alice questioned, evidently impressed.

"Are you questioning my superior intellect?" I asked, slightly offended that they saw me as the stupid one. At least I had good moves, I thought to myself smugly.

I turned to Jasper, "So are you in?"

"Definitely," he replied enthusiastically.

"This is going to be so much fun!" Alice squealed, almost jumping up and down.

Jasper and I turned to her simultaneously, he spoke gently, "Honey, you do realise that this is sort of a… well… manly event?"

Her face fell, "Can't you at least let me help plan it with you?"

"Umm no, I don't think so," I replied, trying not to be too harsh on the midget. But a Buck's night really _wasn't_ a place for a girl to be, except for the strippers, of course.

Her eyes narrowed, "Well, I can see where my planning skills _aren't_ appreciated," she huffed and stormed off.

I sighed as Jasper immediately followed, and I soon chased after them until I found myself sprawled on the ground, the wretched witch prodding my face with her walking stick. "Watch where you plant that thing woman!" I shouted. "Was it really necessary to trip me over?"

She cackled, causing her nicotine stained fake teeth to come sliding down in slow motion and land smack bang in the middle of my mouth, splattering me with spit.

I was paralysed by shock but eventually spat them out, where unbelievably, the old hag picked them up and put them back in _her_ mouth. She then gave me the finger and exited the scene. I mean, come on, since when did an old bitch stick up her rude finger?

I turned around, to find Alice's video camera in my face. She was the interviewer, and I her god dam interviewee. "So, Emmetta," she asked in mock seriousness, "How did that make you feel, being outsmarted by a mere mortal, and an old one at that? Angry, sad, _suicidal_?"

I growled. Moving right along. I faced Jasper, ignoring Alice completely. She tried to speak but I cut her off, "Talk to the hand cos' the face ain't listening." Alice pouted, crossed her arms and stamped her foot like a three year old.

"First things first, our guest list." I went down the list, counting with my fingers. Okay, so maybe I _was_ the stupid one. "I was thinking of keeping it small, Edward obviously, you, me, Carlisle, Eleazar, Maxwell, Quill, Embry and please can we invite Aro," I pleaded, "He's so freakin' awesome and always up for a good party, especially if people taking off their clothes is on the agenda."

I noticed Jasper looking sideways at Alice, laughing awkwardly. She looked from him to me, shaking her head, muttering "Edward is going to _kill_ you two, right after Esme, Rosalie and I are finished."

"Awww come on Alice, don't be a spoilsport! You know the look on Edward's face will be priceless, I'll even video tape it for you. Pweeze?" I said, battering my eyelashes.

She pursed her lips, but didn't argue further. Anyone that knew Edward as well as we did, knew that he would be _flippin' furious_ and it was oh so much fun to torment my innocent little brother!

"Next thing," my eyes glinted with glee, "Activities!"

Alice interrupted, her face smug, "Before _we _get started, I just wanted to inform you that if you do not let me help, than Edward will know sooner than you can –"

"– Alice, that won't be necessary. I have something you can plan all by your _little_ self," I interrupted, "You can do the Hens night!"

"Really Emmet," she scoffed, "Why would we need hens. You _know_ they don't taste any good."

"Gosh, Alice. Maybe I _should_ take you back to the mental institution," I joked, shaking my head.

Jasper laughed and ruffled her hair fondly, "No silly! It's for Bella!"

Understanding washed over her face. She laughed, "Oh, like the girl version of a Buck's night!"

We walked to the check out, so that Alice could purchase her shopping, I eyed the evil rabbit suspiciously, and when it moved towards me slightly I growled and flexed my muscles. That will show it who is boss!

Something jabbed my butt, I turned around, pushing up my sleeves. The old bitch was going to get it. She gave me a large toothy smile as I shuddered, and waved tauntingly. Grrr!

Before she could leave, I grabbed the evil bunny. "Hey you, you psychotic festering corpse, I have a _vampire bunny_ and I'm not afraid to use it. So there, stick that up your pipe and smoke it!"

* * *

_Alice:__flashlight flickers on, illuminating face-_

_(says in a threatening, dark tone)_

**WARNING MORTALS: if you do not review, your pancreatic jucies will be taken hostage by a purple, sparkly alien life-form who goes by the name of Timmy Jnr. **

Dont let the name full you, you unsuspecting peasants, because it is merely an acronym for something much _MUCH _worse. 

behold! his true identity!

_- an evil old man with a bad back rises from random puddle on the ground -_

_Evil-old-man-with-bad-back:_ (raspy russian accent) vell hello my feellow minions! velcome to my parlor of death! prepare to face the rathful rath of vell.. MEE!! MwahahahhaahahhahaHA!

_Edward:_ pssh. what a push over. _-pushes over evil-old-man-with-bad-back- _

Gosh dear sister, is THAT _-glances over to the evil-old-man-with-bad-back flailing around on the floor trying to get up-_ the best you can do?! we need reviews fool! REVIEWS i say! how is an evil-old-man-with-a-bad-back, who goes by the name of timmy jnr, going to scare anyone?! geezz. _-pats alice on the head-_ this death threat angle just isnt working for you is it? perhaps you should try something new? 

_Alice:_ **-_SNARLS-_** i. can. so. be. scary._ -pulls scary vampire face-_

_Edward: -laughs and points-_

_Alice:_ ohh just you wait and see dearest brother... just you wait and see... when you least suspect it... i will be there... waiting... for you... always waiting... very scary... pee your pants... if you could pee... that is... _-mutters off into distance-_

_(voice suddenly dramatically increases in volume) (to you the reader)_ and as for YOU! rabid reader! 

**REVIEW!! REVIEW I SAY!!** please for me?? _-pouts-_ how could you ever say no to this face? 

_-looks up to you with wide pleading eyes-_

_-corner of lips trembles-_

please? 

with sugar on top? 

i will love you forever.

promise.

and for those who review every chapter I will see what i can do and try to set you up with anyone of your choosing. except for Jazzypants because he is MINE! ALL MINE! GET YOUR HANDS AND EYES OFF HIM! _-GROWLS THREATENINGLY-_

_-loud cough-_ yessum. thats right. and if you want to higher your chances, review our other story! titled: "Love letters? Pshh More like Sibling Rivalry" **SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?? REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW!!**

**REVIEWWW!!**

ps: happy easter _-insert smily face here-_ BUT ONLY IF YOU **REVIEW!!**

_- insert evil crazed, slightly histerical, laughter here-_

_-disapears with a swirl of vampiric cloak in a puff of glittery smoke-_

_-you hear alice's evil echo in the wind: **REVVIIEEWWWW!! REEEVVVIIIEEEWWWWWW!!**_


End file.
